I didn’t know how to respond. I was not even sure I was supposed to say anything. “should this woman be telling me something like this?” I muttered to myself. “did you say something?” she asked “no Ma, I was only coughing,” I said. It was Papa who sent me to the boarding school because of Big Aunty’s obsession with redesigning the shape of my head. “Can I come in?” Papa asked, few minutes after…

I was ten years old when the strange noises started. I can’t say if it was the tapping of the rain or the strange voice that woke me up. Pressed against the rough wall beside my bed, clutching Mama’s old wrapper, I listened. “Mmmmmh mmmmhmmh” … it was a woman’s voice. It was indistinct-like someone who was beaten and had a strong hand covering her mouth to prevent her from crying. It could not have…

Fashola! That man has tried o. Even with the three big big positions he was given by the president, he is still working and doing his job very well. See my Aunty that lives in Ota, she told me the other day that they have light 24 hours every day. I didn’t believe it. It was when I went to visit her, that I confirmed it myself. Light everywhere. I thought I was in the…

What do you have against this question? A school of thought believes that the scuffle around this question must have emanated from the hospitals. Doctors ask their sick patient how their health was during the night hours. If you have ever been sick, you would agree that often times, the night hours are when you have the bumpiest rides. It only makes sense for the doctors, who care about the well-being of their patients to…

The joggers that make you wonder if you are the only one who’s got a job. Do you see your life? You could have been in your sexy outfit, sweating it out on this bridge. But here you are, queuing to pay the government to use the road. The helicopters flying over the bridge, heading towards Victoria Island; the music they make, whose chorus scream MONEY. Yes, people do go to work in helicopters in…

Because the rise of women will mean your fall Because you will be falling from your throne of lordship to a position of equality Because you will have to get a paid maid now Because when you say you ‘slept’ with her, it means she ‘slept’ with you too Because I drink wine. Whatever, Jesus drank wine too Because we have better men who have long embraced the better life. You can die a caveman…

What do Saturday mornings sound like to you? To me, it means slouching on my favorite and only couch, clutching a book I have picked out for the weekend. Before Lagos weather comes back like a rash with its hostility and gets heated up and of course before my stomach starts to grumble, I like to get my morning orgasms; nothing is as orgasmic like a well-constructed, beautiful sentence. My heavens! I travel the world…

I just want to say two words. Just two words. Are you listening? ‘intense dislike’. I do not like hip hop. Well, because it sounds immature. Keep rolling your eyes, I hope you find the brain you are looking for. Don’t get me wrong, this is not stereotype transference. Given, these puerile 20-year olds with ugly looking tattoos and disfiguring body piercings, singing about women’s ass, rapping and aggrandizing the level of power they have,…

Because it is a scam. Because deep down, they prefer you unambitious. Because in this part of the world, only women bleed. Because what they actually mean to say is, I have power, you don’t. Because you are expected to be everything to them, even when you are treated like nothing. Because when they call you virtuous, they do so because you are expected to be hypocritically pious. Because when he says a wife material…

I remember the first time it happened. It feels like it was just last night. My memories of that day so clear, how scared I was. I should have gone in with the other students, it was siesta time according to the school’s timetable. The human body is designed to crave a nap sometime in the afternoon hours, during siesta, your body refreshes itself, we are told. Back in the day, before I went to…