(Part 1)

Sleep eludes me. This could be because of the ‘do-looping’ and iterations I tried to do earlier today. I am a bit rusty after so many months of project management and business analysis, which mostly meant that I had to design systems and chase the developers around to write the codes. Well, my eyes are very alert tonight, and what else is there to do rather than think of all the ‘gbas gbos’ that have gone on on Nigeria Clubhouse over the past two weeks. If I am being honest, Nigerians love vawulence – if you ever spent as little as ten minutes on Naija Twitter, you would agree that violence lives here. I have always known this; however, Clubhouse showed me that I probably underrated my people.

So, after twenty minutes of listening to human beings just being utterly mean and vile to themselves on an audio app, I am up at 2 Am making this list. Perhaps you are new or haven’t been to Nigeria’s side of the Clubhouse App; I hope this gives you a head start and not to worry, I guarantee if you spend just a little bit over eight and a half hours on this side of the app, you will get to meet all of the following people.

Miss Okpeke

General Traits

These are usually females, instantly distinguishable by their accents. They also identify themselves as big-time feminists, which they generally translate to mean that all men deserve to die or be wiped out of the face of the earth. There are seven other planets in our solar system, after all. They, however, never forget to mention that their daddies and boyfriends are exempted from the list of men that thunder should fire. 

Miss Okpeke also takes great care in choosing their display pictures, and once a negative comment is directed back at them as to how they looked, they make sure to put up a hotter picture almost immediately. One of them once changed their profile picture about ten times within a space of a 15-minute banter.

Popular Phrases

low down dirty bitches
you don’t amount to anything in life
your mother should have swallowed you
Your children are so unfortunate to have you as a father/mother
All your ancestors are not up to the level of cleaning my daddy’s shoes
No sensible girl will agree to fuck you
you live in Amsterdam cleaning old peoples’ poo

Important to note: most of these comments are often directed towards men and, occasionally to the women they refer to as the pick me(s)

Known Enemies

Men

The pick me women

 Men

Natural Habitat

They mostly live in London, the USA, Abuja, Canada, or Lagos.

The political Jobber

General Traits

This one is an outlier to social media user statistics, predominantly in their late 40s or early 50s – they are constantly on the app, opening rooms and driving discussions, too often that you sometimes wonder if they had day jobs. Their principals are politicians, and with the elections close by, they appear to have intensified their presence on the audio app and seem to take a lot of delight in the current phase of gbas gbos. Their principals taught them well. Obodo adiro nma bu uru ndi Nze.

They are always quick to mention where they have worked and the numerous countries they visited while on official duty (but we all know that most of these trips are unnecessary and wasteful). You need not ask before they give you a load down of how they have the law enforcement agents in their pockets and will not hesitate to pick up anyone who dares challenge their political views or speak ill of their principals.

Popular Phrases

We have been in this game long before you were born
We started this movement when you were in kindergarten, singing nursery rhymes and eating biscuits
There are secret service agents in this room, so I advise that you are mindful of the things you say
We know where you work and where you live, you will be picked up sooner than you expect
secessionists are terrorists

Known Enemies

Anyone who has a contrary opinion to theirs

Natural Habitat

They mostly live in Abuja, Lagos, the USA, or Canada.

To be Continued…..

….
gbas gbos – violence, banter, throwing shades, insults etc.
vawulence – violence
thunder fire you – could also mean, rot in hell
Obodo adiro nma bu uru ndi Nze – loosely translates to ‘politicians often
benefit when the land is in chaos’