The relief I feel afterward is confusing

I wonder, could it be from releasing those tears?

Hot, dropping down my cheeks with force like water traveling through a pipe

The kind of crying that comes from the pit of the stomach and brings a headache with it

The headache forcing me to stop thinking about the things I can’t control

I call them my bitterest tears. Heaven knows we need not be ashamed of our tears.

Or, could it be from finally being able to articulate my thoughts into the right words?

Communication is indeed the first thing we learn in life; from the first smiles, gurgles, and coos, to learning to say Mama or Dada. It is therefore so shocking that we grow up and forget how to speak to ourselves. ‘Don’t let anyone know your deep feelings’ they tell us. We have extended this philosophy to ourselves too. Hiding our deep feelings from ourselves too.

Every time I have spoken to you, you have never spoken back.

I wonder if you can hear me.

I don’t wait for a response. I am content with the relief I get after each session. When I speak to you, I unashamedly reveal my deep feelings to both you and myself, I am cool with that.

But, you have never spoken back

Can you hear me, God?

(artist: Noel bensted)